


The Redhead Agenda

by idanato



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Stakeout, Strong Language, Sylvain learns a lesson, the chad leonie, the virgin sylvain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23429560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idanato/pseuds/idanato
Summary: It turns out Sylvain is all talk and no game, because some red head keeps impersonating him at the bar and stealing his dates! Sylvain desperately tries to solve the mystery but there may be someone he's overlooked.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 34





	The Redhead Agenda

It started with a strong drink, and a self-loathing nature. Orientation week at Garreg Mach had been a little chaotic and Sylvain knew most of his house already, so instead of team building exercises he had spent his evenings working up the liquid courage to get to know some of the members of the other houses. It had not taken him long to find Dorothea Arnault.

She ticked so many of his sad, bad little boxes: no title, no money, no crest. She was also a solid 11/10. Plus, she didn’t have the pure image problem like the hot girl in his house. So Sylvain had ordered himself a drink that tasted like liquid ass and downed it. Then he had attempted to lose his virginity to a girl he thought he’d be utter catnip to.

It went about as well as expected. “Dorothea wait,” called Sylvain, hammered, as he followed her back towards the school from the pub that you had to look at least 18 to get into.

“Sylvain, you’re pathetic. I should have just listened to Ingrid,” announced Dorothea as she turned and gave him a 10-yard stare. He stumbled the 10 yards to catch up with her. Dorothea rolled her eyes, “You had one drink you light weight. Get your shit together.”

“Can I pay you for something?” said Sylvain.

The slap was not all together unwarranted. Sylvain rubbed his face as he processed his shock. Oh. “No not sex! Sorry, no I want to pay you to start a rumor.”

Dorothea didn’t slap him again. She did shake him down and charge him for her services though. Thus the rumor that Sylvain was a tornado in the bedroom was born.

“I heard his cock is ten inches long,” a random student whispered.

“Really I heard it was ten inches wide,” a disappointed student returned.

“He has a ten pack, it’s a genetic mutation,” insisted one.

“His crest makes him last for hours,” said one girl dreamily.

“Is that a good thing?” Her friend looked a little alarmed.

“Pfft, I hear he’s not even a natural redhead,” suggested one young woman.

This slander, Sylvain could not let stand, he turned and cornered her with a wink, “You want to check to find out?”

Now he had the attention of the ladies. In the pub, Sylvain had figured out his drink order. Cranberry juice. Everyone just assumed there was vodka in it and so Sylvain would down these left and right and still be stone cold sober. It made him look smooth and in control, but it also made him have to piss like a pregnant mother. This was where his problems started.

Someone was sneaking in and pulling a goddess-damn Cuckoo maneuver. He’d do the work talking to the girls, paying for their drinks, laughing at their lame jokes, and then he’d step away to pee, and by the time he got back his girl was gone! Worst of all, he was getting all the credit, and none of the rewards!

He had to pull out a trustworthy, incorruptible decoy, “Mercie. Mercie. Mercieeee.”

Mercedes turned to look back at him in class with a soft smile, “Can you please be quiet?”

“Will you help me tonight? I really need you.” 

Annette turned and drew her finger across her throat. Sylvain sat up straight, “Oh no! Not like that. I need help catching a date bandit.”

Annette said nothing, but the look in her eyes was a warning: _Don’t try anything perv_.

“A date bandit?” reiterated Mercedes.

“Yeah, I want to know who’s coming in and stealing my dates while I use the restroom, and you’re the only person I trust not to be taken advantage of by this fiend,” said Sylvain as he put his hands together in prayer.

“Oh, alright, I suppose,” said Mercedes as she turned back to the lesson.

He picked her up at 9. She looked, well, he was taking a second look because he’d never seen Mercedes like this before. Oh no, she was hot. Well, no matter, she was still talking to him about how much she liked church. That made her, well, no she was still mouthwateringly attractive. Sylvain forced his mind to focus on his goal, catching his scammer.

“Okay, showtime, I’m just going to pee,” said Sylvain in an exaggerated way after they’d been there for a little more than an hour. Sylvain made a big show of walking away, then he diverted to his hiding place to watch his honeypot lure in the suspect.

All he could make out was red hair. Sylvain watched the brilliant red beacon cutting through the bar like a wyvern sniffing out another wyvern. Red hair talking to Mercedes. Mercedes laughing. Mercedes paying her tab. Mercedes following the redhead from the bar! What! NO!

By the time he was able to get back to their seats, Mercedes was gone.

“Who was it?” demanded Sylvain of Mercedes before the start of class.

“Leave her alone,” said Annette.

Annette had red hair. Sylvain scowled, “Annie, has it been you this whole time?”

Annette glared, “I don’t meet the height requirements for that bar, you jerk.”

Truth. Sylvain had to find his culprit because Mercedes didn’t ‘kiss and tell’.

Red hair. Red hair. Ferdinand von what was his last name? Sylvain prowled around to build evidence that Ferdinand von Aegir was not noble at all. He was a no good lady poacher. Sure he seemed like the picture of nobility – helping at the animal shelter, reading books to orphans, taking the lead in the school musical – but Sylvain knew the truth.

“You’re a dirty whore,” charged Sylvain as he stood over Ferdinand in the dining hall for everyone to hear.

Ferdinand looked up with shocked, hurt eyes. “What?”

“You heard me,” said Sylvain. Everyone had heard him. “What’s the big idea coming down to the pub and stealing every girl I chat up?”

“The pub? I don’t go to the pub, I spend my evenings reading and maintaining my armor collection,” protested Ferdinand, his face now as red as his hair.

“Okay nerd,” said Sylvain. People were looking, come on Ferdie, confess!

“I would never cut into someone’s date to in your words steal their girl,” said Ferdinand as he got up. Oh, no, Ferdinand worked out, a lot. He didn’t have the height on Sylvain but dude lived to shove his lance into things while screaming his name. “I would however step in if I saw a date going poorly and thought a young woman or man needed assistance.”

Sylvain wondered if he’d made a miscalculation. Then he felt the chill down his back as a firm malevolent hand grasped his shoulder. “I don’t know what you’re doing but walk away from him right now,” said Hubert into Sylvain’s ear.

Sylvain had a brief out of body experience before sprinting away from the scene.

“Oh um, thank you Hubert,” said Ferdinand with great uncertainty. Hubert was just staring at the Sylvain shaped dust cloud that lingered with total disdain.

Hubert’s attention snapped back to Ferdinand as he joined him for dinner, “That wasn’t for you, it was for our house.” It was code for, _I like you_.

Months passed. Girls disappeared. Girls reappeared because they’d been taken by the Death Knight and not the date poacher. The rumors continued. The date poacher was apparently a sophisticated and generous lover of women. Sylvain spent his days speculating about their identity, and his nights alone.

Sylvain finally felt like he had made some headway in his problem when Kronya got killed. No more potential red heads. He was safe. Until he wasn’t.

Sylvain was at his wit’s end. He was the most storied lover at Garreg Mach, and he’d never even gotten to kiss anyone. He was turning to wigs. “So you’ll wear the red wig, and I’ll wear the blond,” explained Sylvain.

Dimitri looked uncomfortable, “I know I don’t know much about talking to girls, but this seems, well, unconventional?”

“Trust me, please,” said Sylvain. Sylvain flicked his long blond wig and adjusted the biggest girl’s uniform he’d been able to get his hands on. Dimitri eagerly left his side for the bathroom and Sylvain’s anticipation grew. He was finally going to catch this jerk and have a frank conversation about the mounting bar tabs he’d been accruing thanks to them.

“He’s really something isn’t he,” said a smooth voice as a redhead slid in beside him at the bar.

Sylvain ripped off his wig as he confronted the stranger, “Oh he really is.”

“Holy shit,” laughed Leonie in shock.

“You, you’ve been stealing my dates?” He barely knew anything about her, he’d never given her a second look. He should have been paying more attention to his classmates.

“Stealing, liberating, it’s a blurry line,” said Leonie with a laugh. “You turn them so off of men, by the time I get here they’re a little more open to a new experience.” She drank his drink, “So thank you.”

“You’re welcome?” Sylvain wasn’t sure how to feel about this parasitic relationship. “Have you really slept with every girl you’ve poached?” That would make Leonie the most prolific lover at Garreg Mach. A true disciple of Jeralt, may he rest in peace.

“Oh, no, I just give them an excuse to bounce and a safe escort home. I consider it my community service,” she finished his drink. “Besides thanks to you I met my girlfriend months ago.”

“What! Who?”

“Mercedes,” said Leonie as if everyone knew that was a thing. Sylvain had no idea.

“Oh well, in that case, would you mind giving me a safe escort home?” He didn’t like the cat calls he was getting in this stolen uniform. It was almost like it wasn’t cool to talk to women like that. He was learning many things tonight.

“Eh, fine, come on,” sighed Leonie as she walked him back.

Dimitri emerged from the bathroom, still disguised and now alone as he tried to figure out what was going on. His date had been poached and he was left with the bill. 

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt (it started with a strong drink) courtesy of r/fanfiction


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